Show Me What You’ve Got, 2017

The way to bring good energy into this year is to flirt with it. 2017, your numbers are so attractive. 2+1+7 = 10, which translates into a 1. You’re a winner, 2017.

And a winner would let the following occur:

Keep these celebrities alive: Duran Duran, Helen Mirren, Chic, Blake & Gwen, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, Nicole Kidman, Meryl Streep, basically anyone–and their children. Seriously, if you touch Simon, Nick, John, and Roger, we are done.

Be nice to my family and friends. There are a few who have tested the gods and are still breathing due to sheer will. Allow them to prosper.

Help me get off the couch and turn off the TV. I don’t need to be Oprah and have a “Year of Adventure.” Just more nights out with Sam, who enjoys the Pâté de Campagne at Le Singe Vert and, to be honest, their Manhattans are really good.

Encourage me to work smarter. I already work hard. Show me what I could do and what is just more nonsense.

Let there be a constant supply of earplugs at Duane Reade. The plugs block out someone’s snoring.

Make me even more aware of how spectacular my husband is–if it’s possible–and if I’ve reached that cap, guide me toward how to make him happier and healthier. He deserves every good thing.

This might be a big ask, 2017. It’s not crucial, but one of those problems that accumulates over time. Find it in your heart to re-introduce me to Sweet Morpheus. We have not been in sync since before 9/11.

During the editing process, give me the discipline to avoid starting sentences with “and” or “but,” as I do above.

Show me how to let loose, as in a new drinking game every time someone says, “actually,” “really,” or “literally” on The Voice and Chopped.

Let it sink in that a compliment followed by a “but” is bullcrap.

Nudge me when I use “so” too much. I’m not 15 anymore.

Of course, I welcome a return to graphomania. This is no time to be quiet…about anything!

Put a potion in Sam’s drink so that he’ll say yes to a kitten. We don’t have children. A fluffy kitten won’t hurt anyone. Yes, the litter smells but there are sophisticated new blends that will make our apartment smell like Chanel No. 5.

And lastly, because Salieri’s rant in Amadeus sticks with me, show me how to rise above mediocrity. It’s so easy to coast in that lane, especially with a giant peanut butter Lenny & Larry cookie and a Lt. Joe Kenda marathon on ID. As 2016 has shown has, there doesn’t seem to be much time left. Why not go for it?

I’m counting on you, 2017, to show me the way. I want to smile like these jackasses* all year long.

*Did I mention how much I love a good jackass?

4 thoughts on “Show Me What You’ve Got, 2017”

  1. You tell that year, Patience!

    Tell Sam that I use the World’s Best Cat Litter (made of corn) and it doesn’t smell at all if you clean it regularly. And I used to have 5 cats!

    And I’d like to know what’s wrong with starting a sentence with “and.” (Apparently I do this a lot. Literally. Really.)

    Happy New Year!

    1. I’ve been working hard on Sam to agree and he’s fairly close. Pity is a big factor. Let’s hope this is the year that Flash Bloom, MD, comes home to us.

  2. PLEASE, PATIENCE, NOT JUST A KITTEN — THE POOR BABY WILL DIE OF LONELINESS while you and Sam are at work. Get the kitten a companion — another kitten is best, preferably of the opposite sex — or even a small dog breed puppy, but another kitten is definitely the better choice. Believe me, the litter box is better than cleaning up dog poop. Cats sleep 70% of each 24 hours and don’t need to be walked. You and your husband deserve as much of your spare time as you can salvage from modern life.

    Re Litter Box: I have two grown cats, one male and one female. I wear vinyl gloves when I scoop the solid wastes from the litter box [1-3 times daily as necessary] and place them in the centre of double sheets of newspaper. Then I wrap the turds thoroughly in the newspaper and place the tight bundle in one of those plastic sacks that supermarkets and other retailers use for bagging groceries and merchandise. I tie a knot in the plastic bag and deposit it in the garbage can outside for weekly pick-up. I am a heroine to my garbage man, who brags to the neighborhood at large that “she bags her garbage!”

  3. Thanks for the suggestion, Dolores! I work from home a lot so this kitty would get 100% attention. And I’ve had lots of pets and am a doting mother. I would love to get two. We’ll see what happens. I will definitely let everyone know!

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