Am Watching Bachelor in Paradise for Research…

bachelor-pad-spinoff-Paradise…on what to wear for my fantasy beach vacation! I should scold myself for supporting the show’s heartless dating Russian roulette, but given global chaos and my romance addiction, all Chris Harrison shows are mandatory for me. Don’t worry (esp. Mom), to reinvigorate brain cells, I’m reading The Goldfinch.

Here are my deep thoughts concerning last night’s show–SPOILERS AHEAD:

Not sure Chris’s departure and his new accessory are for real. It seemed so unChris. Did he purposely step on a jellyfish in order to tear his meniscus and get fabulous pain meds so he wouldn’t have to endure a date with The Monologist? Did he want her to come with him to Chicago because he needed help getting around?

Wasn’t Elise’s light aqua dress fantastic? She consistently knows what to wear.

If I’d been single, on that island, unemployed so that I could be on a show, 20 years younger, and an exhibitionist, I would have chosen Marquel as my companion.

Lovely AshLee should realize that the tighter you hold onto a person, the more they want to get away. You can practice this on a cat. By the way, I’m changing the spelling of my name to PaTience.

I was startled by Michelle Money’s hair-necklace but give her props for rocking the smoky eyeshadow and crying without raccoon eyes–which is why I don’t do smoky eyeshadow, except on my one appearance on Rachael Ray*.

The solid couples get old fast, which is why I like that they bring on new, scantily clad game changers to cause more needless suffering. This isn’t reality, so I can be dismissive!

And lastly, I’m waiting for Chris Harrison to be the surprise contestant for someone’s affections.

Okay, I’ll go back to reading about a boy who mourns his mother’s death and takes some famous painting. Maybe he needs his own season in paradise.

*You might note the eyeshadow melted off my face by time of airing.

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